shine on you crazy diamond

good times, bad luck


I've had alot going on lately but only now do I feel compelled to write about it. This weekend I went to see the "Flavor of Love Reunion Special" taping in Hollywood. If you haven't seen the show, its awesome and I watch it every Sunday. Anyways, I was so excited to meet Flavor Flav but got to Hollywood about an hour too early. After eating at the local Dennys to kill time, we waited in line and got to our seats. I think we had the best seats in the whole studio, which were front and center. I couldn't believe my luck when we got them. Flavor came out and gave some of the women in the audience flowers, and I was one of the lucky ones! He also shook my hand while flashing a ton of bling on each finger. The show was crazy but you'll have to watch the show in about 4 weeks to see what happens. I loved it.

Getting into my car to drive back to Riverside from Hollywood, I noticed that my radiator light had turned on in my car and my engine was getting hot. My boyfriend pointed out that I had a trail of fluid leaking from my car. What ended up happening was I had to spend alot of money on a hotel room near Sunset Blvd because I couldn't drive home. In the morning I had my car towed to the closest station and waited about four hours for them to repair my broken water pump. The station didn't have a waiting room so we had to stay at the local McDonalds. It was an absolutely crazy scene, and the restaurant was so ghetto that they had port a potties instead of restrooms. A word to the wise: if you ever need to relieve yourself while walking down Sunset Blvd and your only option is to use a port a potty, I suggest finding the nearest bush instead.

A couple of weeks ago I also went to Kathy Griffin's "Strong Black Woman" tour at the Orpheum Theatre in LA. They were taping a special for Bravo and it was interesting to see how things went down and what the editing process is. The theatre was so beautiful and Kathy was really funny. I love hearing her talk crap about celebrities that take themselves too seriously. She told stories about Star Jones (who is really as horrible as you might assume), Celine Dion, Rebecca Romijn, Angelina Jolie, etc etc. I'm excited to see that taping when it comes on Bravo.

Other than what goes on during the weekends, my life is pretty basic. I work five days a week at the high school. I teach reading intervention two days a week at the middle school. Meetings go on and drama ensues. Project Runway is a lifesaver on Wednesday nights, a time to relax and make predictions. Sometimes I need to get away a little bit.

For the longest time I've wanted to have a family of my own. I have an extended family, and I have a few sisters, but I've wanted a family that can be close to me. I was never close with my mother or father and lost both of them before my adolescence. I went to live with my aunt, and although I appreciated that family unit it just was not the same as I'd always pictured a family to be. Because of this I look forward tremendously to the day that I can be a mother and a wife. I'm getting some practice with this right now.

I didn't have kids, and I'm not married yet, but I'm well on my way. My boyfriend and I appear to be a long term thing and I'm happy with that. Plus, I recently adopted the stray that has been coming around my place and I have a persian girl as well. I wasn't sure at first if I should take him in because I didn't know how well my other cat would get along with him. Also, strays are prone to having health problems and that adds up to alot of money. I decided to take a chance last Sunday and took Vincent as we now call him to the vet. He had been losing his hair and itching alot so I knew it was time. I had put a flea application on him so luckily he wasn't crawling with critters by the time I took him in. The vet said that he was a neutered little boy, so someone had probably abandoned him in our apartment complex. He was well behaved as the vet inspected him, and very trusting which really melted me. The vet said he had at one time had fleas so he gave me some flea medication. Vincent is also allergic to fleas so he had been losing his hair and had a bacterial infection. He needed vaccinations and grooming too. I took him in yesterday and was told after an expensive grooming session that he had tapeworms, and had to get medication for that. This also meant that I spent all day on my Saturday doing seven loads of laundry and cleaning the house from top to bottom to remove any fleas or tapeworm eggs. The final cost with medical bills and supplies is topping out at $400. I guess loving another can be a costly thing.

Overall, I'm very happy that we've decided to take Vincent in. I was trying not to be pessimistic about the whole thing, and it has turned out really well. He's a little love bug that likes to cuddle and get belly rubs. He has also been extremely tolerant of Luna's territorial attitude and hissing. They have gotten to trust each other quite quickly in my opinion, although Luna still ignores his play signals. Having these cats has been a bit like having children, because we've had to closely monitor everything from litter boxes to interactions to food. Plus, giving a cat medication isn't the most pleasant thing to do.

Having a little boy and girl kittie has made me feel more of a sense of having family with my boyfriend. I have felt really fortunate to have these two adorable beings come into my life, and they will continue to be my family until I have real babies in about five years. I know it sounds sappy but I'm really happy with where I am in life right now. Today I was taking a drive listening to some music and I realized that a certain part of my life has passed. I will never again be the ingenue, and as far as I can see I will never be able to identify with the angst of a great love song. At that prior time in my life I can't say I was very happy, but I think it was necessary to go through and some of the pain I dealt with in prior relationships has set me up for something real. I might not ever again know the mystery of flirtation and desire, but I'm actually okay with that. When I am driving home from my job to be greeted by my boyfriend and cats, and knowing someday there will also be kids involved, it pales in comparison to anything that I've ever experienced in my past. I don't know if many other people have their relationships cemented as strongly as I do with those I love.

I'm really excited, but nothing is set in stone yet. I'm in the process of applying to UC Irvine's Masters of English program. If I'm accepted, I'll start this summer. This is perfect for me because I can attend school for three months and teach the additional nine. I'll finish in three years time and will possibly teach at a community college for extra cash. I'm still narrowing down my area of specialization, but I'll get there. Just when I thought I would get a break, this idea popped in my head and I decided to go with it. I'll know by April what is happening for sure.

I feel myself missing college alot lately. Because I have to break everything down into the most basic parts for freshman, I sometimes feel like my brain is breaking down to its most basic levels and cannot function at the same critical thinking level it did even one year ago. I want to go back to school but cannot this year due to the stress of my first year of teaching. I would really love to start on my masters in English. A problem I'm experiencing concerning getting into a program is that alot of my interests have changed and alot of my theories are no longer valid. Two years ago I had a strong interest in pursuing the study of texts from an anthropological level. I loved the book "Nightwood" by Djuna Barnes and wanted to apply anthropological theory and Julian Jaynes theory of consciousness to memory and the primitive. I am still very attracted to the study of memory, but the theorists I was using had alot of flaws in their argument. In effect, portions of my study were incorrect and much of what I would use for support now is still in the theory phase. Plus, I don't think I hold the same thesis as I once did. One needs such an extensive paper to be admitted into a good program, as well a statement explaining why the paper was chosen and what one's area of interest is. My whole foundation has come crumbling down now that I no longer want to pursue this and I need to pick myself back up and build something new. Maybe I'll study Barnes from a different perspective, but I don't even think Modernism is where it is at for me anymore. I'm so scattered at this point that I need to research where my love for literature now lies.

I've been through this breakdown before. When I started out in college I studied psychology and philosophy for a year. Although psychology can be fascinating I was really turned off by the frigidity of experimentation. In my philosophy stage I was that young person looking for some theory to validate me, but I also found philosophy to be empty. After that year I studied journalism for two years. I wanted to be working with words, and since everyone told me that English would put me in the poorhouse I foolishly listened. One semester away from graduation, I decided to nix the whole journalism thing because I needed a different sort of exploration. I remember the day I mustered up the courage to throw it away and start anew with English, and the feeling that I would be accomplishing something that would make me happy. I have had few of those moments in my life where the truth of something hit me square over the head and told me there was no other way to go. I'm happy I made this decision and would not want things any other way.

I have to admit that now that I've moved to Cali I am sort of out of my element. Nothing is familiar and it is much harder to keep my eyes on the horizon and organize my needs. Concerning going back to school, I've considered finishing a half-done education masters, but I know this will not make me happy. All it will grant me is a pay raise and security with my credential. I feel like I won't learn much of anything new that I would not learn in the classroom. I need to walk out of my university with the same feeling of accomplishment and holding for a second some trophy remnant of truth like I did in the past. Maybe this means I cannot watch as many documentaries on HBO or read as much US Weekly as I would like, but I really have to get on the ball and get things rolling soon. I at least have to start researching what I want my focus to be concerning my masters, because this is something that has really been bothering me. I could read books and enrich myself on my own, but life is not the same without school. I always wonder how people can not want to go, and I understand that some think it a folly because of that crap about how the closer you think you are to truth, the farther away you are. In this lifetime, I want to experience what my reality brings. Besides, I don't usually see the cynics of education doing anything productive. If we only have one lifetime, we have to seize that and do what can potentially make us the happiest. I think we should be Utilitarians, and I think going to school often brings out the best in people.

I wonder how people find it so easy to say they have a certain set of moral values, yet allow their actions to prove everything on the contrary. Not to say that we are all perfect or consistent, but when someone claims to appreciate the thread of humanity that runs through others and goes the route of claiming power through dark deeds, I wonder how they can truly believe they are what they say. With many people I realize their morals only apply in certain situations. For instance, you might have someone who claims to be loving and giving, but when they come across a social outcast they don't want any sort of negative association brought upon themselves. In effect, they save their love and generousity for those who already have just that in their live and neglect those who need it most. It reminds me of the book Mrs. Dalloway, in which Clarissa goes around throwing parties to make others happy, but neglects and disdains a lonely, unfashionable woman who comes to seek the company of others. I wonder how much we do that sort of thing in our own lives, and more importantly, how much we do it without realizing the deed.

Sometimes I see people who are so utterly clueless to the harm that they cause, and something inside of me really wants to tell that person what they do to harm. Another part of me wonders whether I'm just desiring to tell them to have some dark power of my own, or if my words come from an innocent place. Maybe it is a mix of both. It is a very frightening thing not to fully understand your own motives. However, I think it is even more frightening to believe yourself to be doing good, all the while carrying around a smug satisfaction that you just hurt somebody that was commiting hurtful acts. I think alot of people don't examine their true motives, and I really don't want to live my life like that. I want to do good for the sake of doing good, and I want to keep my positive actions secret to protect the sanctity of the act. When you're trying to do positive things by correcting someone else's evil, I think alot of lines become blurred. It makes me want to pursue something more pure.

I hope that I do not become that person who commits negative acts without realizing it. I see it all of the time in the people around me, and it is sort of odd to think that others might see me the same way. One of the problems about having a self-described identity is that you really have no unbiased mirror to look into. You only have your own ideas and those few other comments people throw at you (and most of the time those people are biased in your favor, so how true are they anyway?). I think this also works in the realm of self-criticism. What I might find lacking in myself others might find to be a strength. One's perspective is a very shady, shifting entity. It is hard to grasp any fragment of truth in the world, and once you think you have it in your hands someone enters the picture to question what you just considered solid. They could make you believe that you aren't looking at a situation correctly, and the worst is when they try to convince you that something unethical is really ethical. The folly of youth is that sometimes you believe them. In youth you may have your beauty and freshness, but as one of my favorite performers once said, "there are some things you cannot go to the gym to get." I think a well-developed perspective is one of those things.

Some of my favorite people are those old folks who always have a story to tell. I've noticed alot of people get agitated listening to stories of the older generation, but if you listen and listen well you can sometimes feel yourself growing wiser by the minute. They have such a gift to give. I often feel grateful for going to visit my antiques dealer uncle in Massachusetts last summer. He clued me in on alot of our family's history, and he enriched me with stories about what it means to be fair and ethical too. He discussed seeing the tricksters of the world, and gave me a new perspective concerning how to look at those who might not be the best folks. He seemed as if he had experienced all there was in the world. I admired him for this, and thinking of myself hoped one day I could possess that kind of wisdom. I also see that as you grow wiser, your body grows more feeble. Perhaps one's forties are really where its at, even though this is the age where many woman start to panic from the fear of losing looks, which ultimately means they feel their own death proceeding. I don't really view it that way. I perceive one's forties as a time where they have seen enough of the world's crap to comprehend the right way to act, but their bodies are still able enough to act physically if there is the need. I look forward greatly to this time in my life. Yet, I feel that everyday in my current job I'm gaining wisdom for myself and others too.

One thing that I truly love about teaching is how everyday you are able to celebrate the gift of life. I look at my individual students with all of their intracacies and complexities, and I am awed by the fact that I am allowed to be in a classroom affecting the lives of the youth around me. One thing teaching has done for me is it has made me much more accountable for my own actions. That is, my conscience has increased tenfold and I often think more of how my own actions could affect others. The best way I can put it is that it is like I am writing a book in their minds, and because I realize the importance of this it has to be the best text that I can possibly produce. I understand that I am young and romantic, but I feel happy that I am still able to see the beauty in this. I realize that when a student leaves my classroom, I not only teach them language arts skills, I try to give them the best piece of myself that I recognize and hope they will use that in the world. I hope that I never become complacent enough to do anything different.

Sometimes I think about how when I was growing up I really didn't have anyone I felt I could trust or talk to. I remember being a little kid and having an abundance of things to talk about concerning the world, and eventually I just got the feeling that nobody in my life cared to hear about what I had to say. My mother worked late most nights and my father was never home. I spent most of my days home alone watching tv or riding my bike around places that I wasn't allowed. I think this solitude affected me for many years, as it made me tight lipped around people that I didn't know and nervous to head into social situations. This doesn't mean that I was never happy. Rather, it meant and still means that I have few people I can trust in my life and I am in general wary about people's motives.

Now that I've moved to California and don't have any friends that I am close to I wonder how long it would take to form relationships like I've had in the past again. Sometimes I feel I am moved into that category of someone who is so cordial and serious that other people don't feel like they can relax around me. This is especially true at work, because I am very serious about my job and I spend alot of time correcting papers rather than socializing. More often than not when I do socialize I feel like I become "the listener" rather than a person who has an equally sided conversation. I feel as if it is impolite to hold someone hostage to my thoughts, unless that person has been close to me for a while and we've established a comfort zone. Because of this, people know very little about me. I've made a few friends at work that this isn't the case with, but I wonder why I am always the one with the curiousities about others instead of others taking an equal interest in something outside of their world. I have no right to complain about anything because most of the time I'm not lonely and I do have people that care about me, but I do believe I will never be that person surrounded by a gaggle of close friends. The times where I thought I was in that midst were false because the people I was surrounded by didn't really care about me. In fact, they usually gave me a reason to be defensive and when you're young that might be the norm but for me it was a bit upsetting. I have reached that point where my idealism was suffocated, but every once in a while it reemerges when I find someone who seems genuine and open. I'm also lucky to have a few people in my life who are constants now, and who will always be that way with me. Too bad only one of them is with me in California.


On a happier note, a list of a few good things in Cali:

Beaches
Reggeaton music
Sun all day everyday
Mexican fast food on every block
Teaching jobs
More venues to see concerts at
San Diego and Los Angeles nearby
Liberal attitudes
Multiculturalism
Mountains
Fugu's Sushi happy hour


I do, however, miss watching the leaves turn colors and my family. I miss big, cheap grocery stores and Big Boy. I miss being on the same time table as everyone else. But life is good.

I have been so busy at my new job that I haven't had time to update. Yet, I shouldn't make excuses. The simple fact is that I've become alot more private and my options for what I discuss online have become quite limited. I also have this fear of my students somehow finding my livejournal, an event that could bust me considering I'm not as much of a hard ass as they think I am.

As far as living in California goes, I have to say this is a beautiful place. The sun shines daily, and it makes me feel like a fool if I ever become lonely. It has rained only one time in the two months that I have been here, and there are unlimited options as to what I can do for entertainment. I went to Los Angeles and San Diego last week to see Tori Amos play, and I was surprised at how beautiful their outdoor venues were compared to Michigan. Swimming in the Pacific was really neat. Drifting in the waves and tempting yourself to feel helpless under their power makes you realize how small you are and how amazing the world is. For me, there's nothing more awesome than being in that situation.

Tanner and I searched for a new cat and ended up going with the first one that we found. We couldn't resist wanting her when we saw her sitting alone in a cage meowing at us. She has a Siamese body and Persian face. We named her Luna because her face is round and she resembles the man on the moon. Every morning she jumps into bed and wakes me up, which is quite adorable and annoying at the same time. She wasn't so well when we got her, and we think she wasn't eating the food that the adoption company was providing her with. A month later she has become a very different cat, with an abundance of energy and a proclivity to sudden outbursts of running. We definately made a good decision getting her.

I feel very fragmented in writing right now because I have so much that I could talk about but I'm a bit tired from being at work all day. I'll update more later.

I scored a second row center seat to see Tori Amos in San Diego! It is a joyful day!

I have recently been planning my move to California for August 1st and it looks like there will be alot of driving involved. It will be 34 hours total spread out in three days time. My sister and I will be traveling through Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Utah and finally Nevada before getting to our destination. I'm thinking the first night we'll stay in Lincoln, Nebraska and the second night we'll stay in Beaver, Utah. Las Vegas is on the way to California, so we'll stay there for a night or so. I just went to Las Vegas in December, but it never hurts to go again. I remember thinking on my last night in Vegas that I better enjoy myself because I probably wouldn't be back for a while. I didn't know at the time that I would be moving three hours away from the city, and that I might be going twice in the month of August. I really like alot about Vegas, but my favorite thing is the food! When Tanner and I went we had Italian, Russian, Japanese and Creole food all in four days time. I definately want to hit up Nobu again, it was one of the best restaurants I've ever visited.

The apartment I'm going to be moving into with my boyfriend seems quite nice. It is a two bedroom townhouse style with a fireplace and koi ponds in the back! I don't know, the idea of having a koi pond at my disposal seems exotic and quite exciting. It is nothing like the pool at my current complex, where I have to fight off the neighbor's rabid children for space and cover up my body from the likes of 50 year old, pervy men eyes. It really isn't that bad though. It is a good place to get some sun and read a book.

There are people I know in Michigan that I will probably never see again when I move. For some reason, I am slightly bothered by the finality of these relationships ending. It isn't as bad when you stick around town and have the option to meet up, but you just don't have the time or don't really desire to see someone. People always say to each other that they will keep in touch, but it seems this is said more for the purpose of courtesy than any genuine desire to know what a person does with their life. Part of the time I really do feel like I want to keep in touch with people I tell this to, and I tell myself I will call them tomorrow but then I forget and tomorrow becomes two months and then I eventually think it would just be awkward because the time between us has severed the relationship. I don't think I am completely at fault though, I always seem to have friends who think that they don't have to spend as much time putting forth the effort in maintaining a relationship anyway, and this is especially true of my family. Like a cousin of mine found out the other day that I was moving, and she's like "you know, you could have kept in touch with me. I would have kept in touch with you but you're always moving and changing your phone number." I get sort of agitated by this kind of commentary, and I informed her that I was at the same house for four years and just recently moved, and my phone number has been the same for almost five years. It is funny how people try to divert the blame. I think the world would be a much better place if people could suck up their pride and admit what asses they are from time to time.

Every day this week I have been craving grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. Is there a food that you often crave?

I was cleaning out a few boxes and came across a bag of notes from middle school. Inside, I found a letter with "To Amber From Tim" written on the front. Here is what the note said:

"Amber,
Wuz -> nutin here. Well if you like me cool if you don't cool but if you like me then ask me out. Don't be affraid so if your affraid forget it. So ask me out because your running out of time. There is two other girls that like me and I don't know when they are going to ask me out. Well gotta jet. Peace out. PS Sorry so messy"

I don't remember a Tim, and I'm strangely intrigued that this could have been a middle school romance. I'm even more intrigued as to why I would hold on to such a letter for so long. Also, I found a note from a grunge boyfriend I had in eighth grade who drew me pictures of demons and signed his art "Love, Ricky." I didn't realize it could never work out between us. He decided to go to a tech class for auto mechanics when we reached high school.

I got up this morning, put on my nice black suit, did my hair and recited what I was going to say to the judge about my traffic ticket. I always feel weird reciting what I'm going to say in such a situation, but I feel it is necessary to get all of your details sorted out beforehand. Anyway, I have a tendency to be a bit worried that my neighbor can hear the things I'm saying through the wall, and that she has come to the conclusion that I'm a big tool because I don't have enough finesse to go in front of a judge and wing it. I worry she can hear me laughing at stupid VH1 shows like "Kept" and that when I sing Maxi Priest's "Close to You" she finds me terribly outdated. It is funny how neighbors know secrets about you that some of your closest friends don't even know. For instance, she's seen me wearing my embarrassing frog spant pajamas and a braless tank on my way to the laundry room. In public I try to be a little more sophisticated, which means no cartoon character gear and padded bras. When you're alone with thin drywall barriers and shared facilities, all of the masks suddenly fall off.

Getting back to the speech and the ticket, I felt pumped to tell the judge about everything that had happened to me. I had sorted out a polite way to let him know I understood the system was there for a good purpose, but that I was one of the few innocents. I had practiced my vocal inflections so that my demeanor could not be taken as rude or condescending. I even decided to do away with the pearls, fearing they might make me appear to be in a position where I can afford to fund "Sterlingfest" by paying off the ticket. I sat in the waiting room of the court for fifteen minutes, surprised at how everyone seemed so chipper and chatty instead of bitter that they might be having to spend money on a fine instead of summer decorations at Pier One Imports. We were called into the courtroom, and I was sandwiched between a wall and an old man with a leg cast. I have no problem with leg casts, but its a bit awkward when an old man tends to let you know you aren't going anywhere by propping it on top of the next pew in front of you. The judge told us we were all lucky that we showed up, the cop had decided to call in and dismiss all of our tickets. I fancy he knew I would be at the court that day, he realized the error of his ways and he decided to give a girl a break for once. Of course, this is just a fantasy in my egocentric world but it makes me happy. The only downer is I did not get to give my awesome speech... hopefully my neighbor enjoyed it.

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Amber
Birth date: 3-4-82
Birth place: Detroit, Michigan
Current Location: Sterling Heights, Michigan (soon to be Riverside, California)
Hair Color: blonde
Righty or Lefty: righty
LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE
Your heritage: Polish, English, German, Irish
Shoes you wore today: beige flip flops with sewn on sequins
Your weakness: sweets, animals, spooning
Your fears: ignorance, cruelty, car trouble
Your perfect pizza: brick oven fired pepperoni, onion and mushroom
Goal you'd like to achieve: getting into a good grad school for English
LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
Your most overused phrase: "good deal" or "apparently"
Your thoughts when you first wake up: usually "just ten more minutes of sleep"
Your best physical feature: toes, lips, jawline
Your bedtime: it was ten for work, but now that i'm out of work usually midnight
Your most missed memory: walking through the woods as a kid
LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK
Icecream Flavor(s): lime, also this awesome ben and jerry's flavor called "crazy cashew" or something like that
The best places to shop: target, meijer
Religion that Intrigues you: Jainism, although I could never accomplish what they do
Comic you adore: Oh, oh! Jeffrey Brown. My boyfriend introduced me to his work and it is really lovely and true to life.
Things you can cook/bake well: any sort of seafood, elaborate desserts, chicken and vegetable dishes
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Smoke: no
Curse: I try not to
Single: no
Take a shower: once or twice a day
Have a crush(es): no, only on a cat that I saw on petfinder
Think you've been in love: yes
Want to get married: some day. certainly not as quickly as our families would like us to.
Believe in yourself: most of the time. when I don't I usually have good reason not to.
Get motion sickness: all the time
Think you're attractive: it depends on the day
Think you're a health freak: lately, yes. i've become alot more conscious of what I put into my body and any sort of physical inactivity
Get along with your parents: No, and I never will. That's life.
Like Thunderstorms: yes, until the electricity goes out
LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: usually only on the weekends
Gone on a date: no
Gone to the mall: today, to look at animals
been on stage: yes, your life basically is a stage when you teach
eaten an entire box of Oreos: a few at a time, I would throw up on all of that sugar lard filling they use
Eaten sushi: yes, weekly (yellowtail being the best)
Been dumped: no
Gone skating: no
Gone skinny dipping: my top accidentally untied, if that counts
Stolen anything: no
LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER
Played a game that required removal of clothing: strip trivial pursuit
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: not since Diana's bachelorette party
Been caught "doing something": sexually? i'm not sure, i always wonder if my neighbors can see through my blinds
Been called a tease: no
Gotten beaten up: no
LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER
Age you hope to be married: maybe in two or three years
Number of Children: 2 or 3
How do you want to die: I don't WANT to die
What do you want to be when you grow up: strangely enough I turned out to teach high school English
What country would you most like to visit: Japan, just because I know how enjoyable it would be for my boyfriend
LAYER NINE: IN A GUY/GAL
Best eye color: no pref.
Best hair color: no pref.
Height: as long as he's taller than me
Best first date location: anywhere that I don't have to eat messy food
first kiss location: in a car
LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS
Number of people I could trust with my life: hmm... 3
Number of CD's I own: around 100, most of my music is on mp3s
Number of piercings: two in my ear
Number of tattoos: 1
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper: around ten
Number of scars on my body: several

Although I know all of my livejournal friends are busy with their very important lives, I would highly recommend that you check out my boyfriend's cultural and literary journal, The Means.  For weekly updates, go to http://www.the-means.com/communiques/.  For the basic site, check out http://www.the-means.com.  I promise, it is much better than randomly searching through myspace profiles or masturbating to overused porn.

Step 1: Open your mp3 player.
Step 2: Put all of your music on random.
Step 3: Write down the first 25 songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 4: Underline any you are ashamed of, and bold your favorites.

1. Wallflowers "Sixth Avenue Heartache"
2. Aimee Mann "Choice in the Matter"
3. Sondre Lerche "Suffused With Love"
4. Alanis Morrisette "One"
5. Iron and Wine "Such Great Heights"
6. Pink Floyd "Comfortably Numb"
7. Carole King "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow"
8. Serge Gainsborge and Jane Birken "Je T'aime Moi Non Plus"
9. Third Eye Blind "The Background"
10. Genesis "Invisible Touch"
11. Moby "Melodic Trance"
12. Bright Eyes "Landlocked Blues"
13. Stevie Wonder "Superstition"
14. INXS "Never Tear Us Apart"
15. Jann Arden "I Would Die For You"
16. Frankie J feat. Baby Bash "Obsession"
17. Arrested Development "Mr. Wendell"
18. Tori Amos "Snow Cherries from France"
19. The Used "Blue and Yellow"
20. Nine Inch Nails "We're in this Together"
21. Tori Amos "Mary"
22. Yeah Yeah Yeahs "Maps"
23. Beethoven "Trio in G, Flute Bassoon Piano"
24. Muse "Hysteria"
25. Jodeci "Lately"

I recently got pulled over for the most asinine reason ever. Last week I was driving to a substitute teaching job and was unfamiliar with the area. I passed my turn on Schoenherr and therefore thought the most logical thing to do would be to pull into a driveway, back out and head in the direction of the turn. Unfortunately, I was unaware that certain individuals can interpret this as a U turn. The officer pulls me over and asks if I know why he's there. I don't know, but even if I did I wouldn't say anything... you're much more intelligent about these things at 23 than at 19. He says that I ignored a no U turn sign, and I tell him no, I didn't make a u turn. He then proceeds to tell me I evaded a no U turn sign by pulling into a driveway, and I get the choice of a ticket for that or a ticket for trespassing. The trespassing thing was totally ridiculous, and I made it a point to tell him there was no malicious intent on the property and it was a simple turn around. He cut me no slack whatsoever and I have a ticket written in all caps, shouting out an offense that I did not commit. I guess I need to put on my serious black suit and pearls in front of a judge and act more mature than I actually feel.

Two years ago I would have been nervous to start a new job, but I think I have reached this level where I don't care too much about that kind of situation anymore. The only thing that I worry about is having to make conversation with people that I have nothing in common with, people that want to talk about the latest season of "Desperate Housewives" or other shows that I don't watch. And for them, if they like that sort of thing, really I can appreciate that. But the stuff I prefer to talk about sometimes doesn't seem to interest people. It seems alot of English teachers do not even want to talk about novels or theory because to them that is work. Pressed with awkward silences that don't belong, I find myself getting dragged into conversations about the weather, about if my parents are upset that I am moving to California. I always say that my parents are alright with it, it saves the problem of explaining away the assumption that everyone has parents who they actually talk to at least once every five years.

I've been trying to do alot of reading recently and I've managed to get through several books that were neglected on my bookshelf throughout my student teaching experience. I'm trying to go with the books that will most likely be read in the classes that I am teaching, and so I'm following this "100 greatest hits..." list. Sort of. Right now I'm finishing up Don Delillo's "White Noise" and then I'm moving on to Faulkner's "The Sound and the Fury." I also have been reading alot of theory on sexuality and the like, but that is more sporadic since one cannot really sit out by the pool and sunburn to that which requires brainpower. It tends to be a bit frustrating that I read all of these books, and if I'm lucky I have on recall a few good passages. Or an inane detail, such as the fact that Daisy wore yellow in "The Great Gatsby." Alot of times I solve this problem by writing notes in the margins, but that does not account for the hours of driving where I ponder certain textual ideas, frustrate myself to the core, and then forget resolutions three weeks later that I've worked so hard to attain. I would like to think I am influenced by most of it though, that my self is being made up of these little core pieces that put me together as a wiser individual. Whether or not I realize it, certain conclusions do stay with me and exude their influence in everyday life.

My younger sister is going through a time now where she's required to make decisions that can either be made wisely or be made ineptly and lead her down a destructive way. I don't presume to know everything, but I've tried to tell her that the things you hold as true when you're a teenager tend to fade sometimes. Right now she's coming to terms with a new feeling of freedom and individuality, and I would like her to take the higher road and to not be persuaded by friends who might not have her best interests in mind. I feel torn sometimes between the sister role and the mother role, because I know it can get annoying when someone dispenses advice that you don't ask for. Yet, I feel its crucial and I think I'm the person in our family that she will listen to the most. She's seen me make some dumb decisions and I fear seeming hypocritical but I would like her to avoid having much to regret. Alot of this is rite of passage stuff, high school stuff, but I can't help caring. She's making the drive to California with me, perhaps we can discuss certain things during that time.

In other news, Diana is now Mrs. Brisson. I have always told Diana in the past that she needed an older man and I think she has found someone with a similar sense of humor that she will do well with. The wedding was great, I got teary eyed during Diana's father's speech about her when she was a little girl. Not just concerning the good relationship that they've so obviously shared, but because I knew that the speech meant alot to her. It's weird sometimes with friends. Like, we can move to different states, we can only converse over the phone and see each other every once in a while, but there is an assumed love and trust there. My aunt used to tell me that one is lucky to leave high school with one friend that they talk to throughout their life, and I'm glad that I have a few people close to me that I feel I share this relationship with. Too many people put out that passive/aggressive, "I need to cut out a piece of you to make myself feel whole" crap in the past, and I've discarded those sort of friends, and to spot them before I consider giving them such a title.

I'm not good with conclusions so I'll end with a generic goodnight.

1. The short story "Bliss" by Katherine Mansfield
2. Feta cheese and artichoke pitas
3. Back massages
4. Watching Ford High's freshman baseball games
5. Making a shy student smile
6. Cruising Belle Isle in Detroit
7. Ginger and lime candles from Bath and Body Works
8. The album "I'm Wide Awake It's Morning" by Bright Eyes
9. Feeling my sister's twins move within her belly
10. My three hour nap this afternoon


Anyone that knows me knows of my tendency to worry from time to time. Thankfully, I always have a bottle of pepto bismol in my medicine cabinet to aid me in times of crisis. I'm happy to say I've had to use it alot less lately after the procuring of a new apartment and a job in California. I also feel as if something within me has changed (besides my stomach problems). I picked the short story "Bliss" as one of my loves because it exemplifies this new emotional state, this feeling that even when life is shitty there's still so much beauty to celebrate. I love the beginning, and I especially love the ending. I've heard the saying that God is in the details, and I don't know about God but I do feel a general sense of thankfulness for all I'm surrounded by.

An excerpt from "Bliss:"

Although Bertha Young was thirty she still had moments like this when she wanted to run instead of walk, to take dancing steps on and off the pavement, to bowl a hoop, to throw something up in the air and catch it again, or to stand still and laugh at - nothing - at nothing, simply.

What can you do if you are thirty and, turning the corner of your own street, you are overcome, suddenly by a feeling of bliss - absolute bliss! - as though you'd suddenly swallowed a bright piece of that late afternoon sun and it burned in your bosom, sending out a little shower of sparks into every particle, into every finger and toe? ...

Oh, is there no way you can express it without being "drunk and disorderly"? How idiotic civilisation is! Why be given a body if you have to keep it shut up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle?

The rest can be found at:
http://www.classicreader.com/read.php/sid.6/bookid.2049/

I haven't updated in a while, so I thought I would share a few quick details.

- I moved out to Sterling Heights and now have my own apartment. It is nice, quiet and it makes me happy.

- I will be moving out to Riverside, California in three months. I was also able to obtain the secondary ed teaching position I wanted there. Add to that the fact that my boyfriend will be with me and you can guess how thrilled I am.

- I have finished my student teaching and I do miss my kids from time to time. I get to go back this week and sub for them though, and it is something that I greatly look forward to.

- My best friend's bachelorette party was Saturday. Good, crazy, drunken times were had by all. It is nice to deviate from the responsible life I've lived over the past year. Her wedding is this Saturday and I am happy to be the maid of honor. I'm sure everything will play out beautifully.

- I went to see Dave Attell's Insomniac tour on Friday. He is much better in person, and a whole lot raunchier. However, it was the proper level of raunchiness, not the level where you're putting it out there just to show that you can.

- I have three births coming up within my family in the near future. My sister is having twins, and my cousin is having another daughter. I am glad that I am not moving sooner, because I would not be able to enjoy seeing them as newborns. I will be back to Michigan of course, but kids grow up so quickly!

- I am hoping to obtain a job teaching summer school this coming June. It will be interesting to see who ends up in my classes and the dynamic that forms between us. It is something every young teacher needs to experience in their lifetime, so I hope now will be the time for me. Plus, class takes place at a favorable time and the money is pretty good.

- Much more to tell, but I'm short on time. I hope everyone else is doing well lately.

- Amber

Miss Grady, we need to go through the details for the 21st/22nd birthday get together. Get at me.